Dear Diary…

Here I go again. Veering into that spiral of never-ending thoughts. Listening to the new Bruce Springsteen’s series of conversations with his longtime collaborators and friends on a “Letter to You Radio”. The Boss is full of insight on life through analogies from his musical career. It’s more than just rock music, it’s growing as a human being, making sense of his outer purpose while understanding his inner purpose more and more.

I wonder who I would talk to if I were to reflect on my life at this point. I fear the conversations would be monologues. (Oh Diary, by no means is this entry meant to be depressed or loaded with regrets. It’s just an observation of where I’m at and an opportunity to make changes from here on out.) I have severed many relationships in order to find some peace. Some of these separations were necessary and done on purpose. Others just happened: paths have just lead to different places. No hard feelings; it was just the way it was meant to be. You know, the soulmate VS. life partner kind of deal. The fact is, I am unsure if the people I’ve met realize they had an impact on my life and maybe it’s not necessary for them to know it.

With all of these thoughts, I am reminded of Hesse and his observations on trees. Trees just are. They don’t care to compare themselves to another. They grow, where they’ve emerged, adapt to the climate, to what is happening around them, allowing other beings to do their thing. It’s not letting others walk all over them: if that’s what is meant to happen, they just surrender to it, that is their journey. If they get killed by an invasive being, so be it. They are aware of others around, but continue their own journey of being. They have no control over how many other trees will spawn from them being alive now. They stand alone or with family and friends. They will be moved and transplanted somewhere and it’ll be just fine. They know their purpose and keep striving for it.

And so, with that in mind, I look at my life. Perhaps no one will pay attention to the impact I’ve had in this life. And that’s okay. That may sound depressing, but it is only hurtful to Sandrine’s ego and ultimately Sandrine’s soul will not be affected by it. It’s not unawareness, it’s just surrendering to the bigger picture: the path of the soul.

So, what if I never get to meet the love of my life? What if I never live off of my art? What if I don’t live in my dream home? Suddenly, it doesn’t matter as much because I am growing where I am and doing my thing. I cannot bother or clutter my mind with insignificant thoughts. It doesn’t matter what I do. It’s about HOW I do whatever it is I do. I’m not so good at that just yet. I still very much worry about those what-if questions. But this is where I’m at today. Right this minute.

I’ve long complained about not being able to meet a life partner. I acknowledge that I’ve met several soulmates thus far in this life. I needed to patch up some areas of my soul and who knows how much more patching up I’ll need to do in this life and all the subsequent ones to come. Maybe I think I’m nearing the end of my journey, but realizing I am still full of questions, like Siddhartha, I must keep on going until I find it, whatever IT is. So, maybe it’s just not the time yet. Maybe I need another (or a few other) soulmates first.

One question I’ve had over the last several months, was knowing that there is a life partner for me out there, how can we ever meet if we are on a parallel journey? At what point do life partners make a sharp right or left in order to meet each other? Or do they even? That’s the mother of all what-if questions!

I love Philip K. Dick’s idea in “Adjustment Team.” Is there a pre-determined path we are supposed to stay on, specific people we are supposed to meet and interact with? How is it that certain people seem to run in certain circles or company while others are left outside of that circle? Can most people identify why we have come across the people in our lives? If so, can we make sense of it all? Should we tell these people how much it meant to us that we have crossed paths with them?

Similar theme in the movie Sliding Doors. If we are meant to meet a certain someone, it will happen eventually, even if it’s not a clear path to that person, right? Remember, Helen meets James in both scenarios.

Ah, the world of what-ifs! It’s a universal curiosity we all share. It is a never-ending search for an answer though, because we will never know. Is that something we can live with? Well, our egoic self can’t. Our soul, however, is very much at home with not knowing.